alone... cathartic journal #1

Amber has gone to Kelowna with the parents. I am happy for the alone time, the solitude, the opportunity to do nothing and be beside myself.
I know that we are spending way too much time together; she does not have much life outside mine and i do not have much life at all. I was talking with Kari last night and she said that i sound right on the edge, and that is just how it feels. I can't concentrate on anything. Most everything pisses me off. I wanted to kill my dad while he was here. What advice can a 70 year old man possibly have for a 47 year old woman around menstruation? Well, according to my dad, he does have some things to tell me, as they relate to disposing of products. FUck. whatever, whatever.
I think it is true, what i said to kari, that i don't feel safe enough to cry. i am not sure it is that i don't want anyone to see me fall apart, that i am afraid i'll never stop crying if i start, i just don't know.
it is as if my plans for me went on hold when i moved here. first off things did not unfold as i thought they might; while i am pretty good at having fluid plans especially when i know there are many variables, i was just getting my feet on the ground when i crashed my car. the challenges around getting EI were tough to take, especially the response of the shelter board to my request. and all the hoops for Amber. it was as if we moved to a different country; everything had to be assessed, including a three hour inventory by a psychologist that i had to participate in. the EI and the disability pension are now in place, thankfully. Amber's first full cheque came for May, and my EI/self employment program has only to be approved by HRDC, which i understand is a formality as it was recommended, and i can begin the process of building a business. I feel on the cusp of a good thing around building a business.
as for John and his illness, i am still trying to sort out my role in it, and what the aftermath means to me and my life. I think he and his family, and my parents, are making assumptions that i am staying put, that i believe that i, and our marriage, are strong enough to withstand this hit. that may be true, but i keep thinking about how the last 4 years in particular have been nothing but a big fat lie, and i think of all the things that i did, that made it possible for him to drink, that made it possible for me to ignore what was right in front of my face for the better part of our lives in Grande Prairie.
I think i need to stop writing for a while.

we go shopping

today amber and i had to go to the grocery store. I have been waiting and waiting for my car - that is another story that i will save - and finally we realised that we would need to take the bus to sechelt to get some food or we would be reduced to eating canned kidney beans on toast. Not the most appetizing thing...
it turned out to be lovely today. we enjoyed our outing and we looked at purses and ate at that restaurant downtown where the waitress knew everyone's name as they came in.
i started the day with crying and frustration; my car will not be ready until sometime next week. but on the good side we are truly on the downward spiral, all the body work is done, it is all together, just waiting for some backordered parts from Toronto for the back seatbelt. *note* if you ever crash your car and someone is in the back seat for the love of god tell the goddammed collision place so they can replace the sensors and stuff attached to the rear seatbelt. who knew???!! certainly not me...
i am really beginning to believe that my sore arm and shoulder are directly related to my not having my car. it's like the throb in my shoulder is a reminder of why i take the bus. Maureen asked me last week how the law of attraction figures in to me waiting for my car. i've been thinking about this for a few days now, and this is what i think...
that i am in the midst of being reminded that life moves at a pace that is not set by me. s-l-o-w-d-o-w-n is the message for me, over and over and over again. it seems like when i make a list of things i'm going to do when i get my car, i find out that my car will not be ready for "a few days or so". Message is: "hey, stop that. you have no control over driving your car to capilano rock and gem, so why are you insisting on making that the plan? you can go to the store, just don't plan on driving there." after so many years of working at the shelter and making plans and basing everything i did on outcomes and projections it is like none of that matters now. none of it. it is what it is. i can choose to be content with it or i can choose to cry and be frustrated. i choose contentment. i choose to be grateful for such a wonderful day, house, life, world. car or no car, my life is blessed.
I don't think i have yet completely found the authenticity in this part of my lifestory yet; there is some other learning that i haven't uncovered. it doesn't yet feel right.
hmmm...
so it goes.

this is part one

i hate that the first part of the blog is in another place so i've copied it here. now i can release the other one into cyberland, especially seeing how i don't have the passwords for it anymore...

Monday, October 30, 2006

another day

I went outside this morning, to go down into the cellar to look for the windows software. It was about 7:15; I was determined to solve my computer problems after a somewhat sleepless night worrying about lost data and the hours I spent on the accounting program, interspersed with "i will buy a memory stick tomorrow" mantras. Stopping at the table, I looked out at the crispness of the morning. I looked down at the Iranian cloth I had put out yesterday to air; what was the white stuff on it? I stared down at it, momentarily confused, and put a tentative finger out to touch the unrecognisable substance. Oh! It's cold!! Oh My!! Is it frost? It's FROST!! I was so surprised. As I gave a little chuckle, I noticed another cold weather phenomena; my breath misting the air. I closed my eyes, threw back my head and took a deep breath, and then another, my arms clasped around my body. My favourite Goethe quote murmered past my lips: "Nothing is worth more than this day".

Saturday, October 28, 2006

a walk on the beach

A walk on the beach really isn't that much of an event anymore. In the sense that a walk is an event if it seldom happens, that walking for pleasure is something that is not often thought of or engaged in. I go to for the beach walk once a day, twice if i remember to do it. Now I know that sounds strange - "remember" to walk?? How can one forget? I'll tell you, it is easy for me to forget that I can walk to the beach because I can, because I want to, not because I only have 3 or something days left before I go home and can only remember the walks on the beach. I must actively remember that a walk on the beach is an easy possibility for me. It is a quiet walk, a gentle time (although the climb down is hard on my knees and the climb up works my circulation) that does not involved lots of trash on the path, lots of other dogs and dogshit, wind and dust in my eyes and ears.
The walk to the beach from Geddes starts out in civilisation; it is a walk down a paved country road with no curbs, shoulders or lines. Then, carefully or you'll miss it, take the path, the one lined with rocks on the right side, down past the last of the cultivated plantings. Down to the south, gently past the big trees and about a million tendrils of ivy. Now that you are lulled into a sense of easy going, here comes the down bit. Down, down, grab the handrail, step down sideways, take the definition of "steps" loosely, then walk the two planks to the beach.
The beach is a small one, very craggy and scattered with drifted-in logs that I'm sure have a technical name. There are rocks to throw and climb, and sets of stairs to the homes that flank the path to this spot on the water. There are many excellent places to sit, and tomorrow when I go I'll be taking a blanket and that book I started this morning.

Keemo and Felix like going on the beachwalk, although, I suspect, not with each other. Keemo is Sarah's dog, he is 9 years old, a dignified pitbull something that has the softest ears I've ever felt. He is with me for another week while Sarah is in NYC living her dream. Keems came with three balls, two of which I've had to put away as he and Felix spat about them. The big white one lives outside and goes on the beachwalks with us. He sleeps with Amber, which has pissed Chinook off as she usually sleeps with Amber. We've found if we separate the dogs for the important things in life, like eating and sleeping, they slightly less likely to fight. Yesterday they got after it in the kitchen; thankfully I had the presence of mind to turn on the sink sprayer and get them both, which immediately stopped the contact. Amber just sat there; I said to her later "Amber you must never get in the middle of the dogs fighting" and she replied that she knew that, why did I think she just sat there??

my bracelet from the workshop

how cool is this!! i took a chunky bracelet making workshop on saturday at Nadine's artescapes studio. I love this thing and i am very proud of it. I didn't make all the charms of course, but many of them are bits of earrings and necklaces that i never wear anymore. the angel to the right of centre is one of the few charms and beads that sarah brought back for me from Texas when she was there for SXSW. I love beads. From now on whenever anyone goes anywhere please PLEASE bring me back beads....
I hammered the silver and made the clasp tho. when i get my car i'm going to go over to Capilano Rock and Gem and get myself a hammer and an anvil of some kind so i can do more of this kind of silver work.
But my left arm and both hands are sore from working the metal! it gets very hard when it is worked. I have been knitting today but only a few rows at a time as my fingers go numb. Jeez do you think i should go to the doc? i think i will call tomorrow. Except that i haven't gotten any of the tests done that he wanted me to get done, like the mammogram and the fecal smear thing or whatever it is called. I just don't want to do those tests right now. I guess i should tho. I could go to the osteopath, that worked very well the last time my arm was so sore. I wonder if my arm and shoulder will be fine once i get my car back?? HMMMmmmmm

welcome to part two

although i didn't want part two, i just couldn't figure out how to access part one. email addresses lost and no access, forgot my username, password, email address, name, birthdate and everything else that may have pointed to how to access the old blog. shit and oh well i know the techies in my life are laughing at me. laugh on. see if i care. let's see you knit something. like a sock.
what a beautiful day. sunshine, no stress, no pressure. did one of these:
okay gotta put more charms on my bracelet. i'll just go to the studio to do that, boy what a mess on my table. gotta clean that up. put those books in the bookshelf, boy what a mess, why don't i organise some of these books, put all the craft and art books together, the business books and reference books over here, the poetry here, history and biography and travel can go together. where are the postit notes, i can put the category up so i don't screw it up. what about canadiana? and writers reference? wow i'm tired now i think i'll check my email. i think i'll look at adding to my blog. i think i've forgotten the blog stuff. i think i need to make a new blog. where is the bracelet? i wanna wear it. oh but it needs a few more charms...
so it goes.