alone... cathartic journal #1

Amber has gone to Kelowna with the parents. I am happy for the alone time, the solitude, the opportunity to do nothing and be beside myself.
I know that we are spending way too much time together; she does not have much life outside mine and i do not have much life at all. I was talking with Kari last night and she said that i sound right on the edge, and that is just how it feels. I can't concentrate on anything. Most everything pisses me off. I wanted to kill my dad while he was here. What advice can a 70 year old man possibly have for a 47 year old woman around menstruation? Well, according to my dad, he does have some things to tell me, as they relate to disposing of products. FUck. whatever, whatever.
I think it is true, what i said to kari, that i don't feel safe enough to cry. i am not sure it is that i don't want anyone to see me fall apart, that i am afraid i'll never stop crying if i start, i just don't know.
it is as if my plans for me went on hold when i moved here. first off things did not unfold as i thought they might; while i am pretty good at having fluid plans especially when i know there are many variables, i was just getting my feet on the ground when i crashed my car. the challenges around getting EI were tough to take, especially the response of the shelter board to my request. and all the hoops for Amber. it was as if we moved to a different country; everything had to be assessed, including a three hour inventory by a psychologist that i had to participate in. the EI and the disability pension are now in place, thankfully. Amber's first full cheque came for May, and my EI/self employment program has only to be approved by HRDC, which i understand is a formality as it was recommended, and i can begin the process of building a business. I feel on the cusp of a good thing around building a business.
as for John and his illness, i am still trying to sort out my role in it, and what the aftermath means to me and my life. I think he and his family, and my parents, are making assumptions that i am staying put, that i believe that i, and our marriage, are strong enough to withstand this hit. that may be true, but i keep thinking about how the last 4 years in particular have been nothing but a big fat lie, and i think of all the things that i did, that made it possible for him to drink, that made it possible for me to ignore what was right in front of my face for the better part of our lives in Grande Prairie.
I think i need to stop writing for a while.